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Guitar Loop

Darkness in Me

There is darkness in me

When I cool down

and become aware of myself

When I turn praying into waiting and listening

Instead of chatting and listing requests for intervention…

And when I'm left on my own and turn off the amusements around me

Then I get uncomfortable…

Because there is darkness in me.

There are doors somewhere in my soul

That I've used to shut away the things I didn't like.

Behind the doors is the darkness

Occupying part of me.

How did it get there, this darkness?

Perhaps many ways…

When I heard people tell me about the way I should be

And it didn't match up to my experience of being free

So I felt I had to lock away something natural in order to be acceptable

And I denied that part of me…

When I got hurt by something or someone

And I didn't or couldn't let the hurt out… didn't say anything

Just looked for a door to open and stuff the pain behind

Because there was nowhere safe to go for a hurt child…

When I trusted someone in my innocence

And they let me down

And I had to find somewhere to put my hope of trust

So that it never got let out again to mess up my life

With it's childish optimism…

When I was helpless and needy, and no-one came to my rescue

No family, no friend, no loving God to protect me

And I came to believe that I was all-alone in this dark world…

When I heard that my sexual thoughts and feelings were anti-social

And I concluded I'd be better off shutting them out

Sticking them behind some closet door where they belong…

When I did something wrong and couldn't own up to it

Because I couldn't believe that people would like me any more

If they knew what I was really like

So I hid the wrong, and the guilt and started live my deep divided life…

The life of me, and the secret me

That's behind all the doors

In the darkness

In me.

And on every door I sense a warning sign:

'Beware - opening this door will result in great pain'

And I don't know if that's true or not,

But I don't feel strong enough to withstand the pain

To take the risk.

I need someone stronger, bigger than me

Who can share that hurt,

who won't leave me while I open up the doors

And take the consequence.

Someone who won't judge me for my weaknesses

Or my badness

Someone who can bear all my brokenness.

 

I am looking at a man on a cross.

The perfect man who exposed the imperfections in others.

And so the fears and insecurities of the world

Rallied together and tried to destroy him to end the opposition

To the darkness.

And yet no matter how much darkness came his way

He was not destroyed.

Even the force of the darkness of death could not

Overcome him.

He has shown me that God is strong enough

To stay with me and love me as I walk towards my hidden doors.

I will sit here and take a risk.

I will let myself journey to one of my dark places

And confront its forces.

I will question and revisit its origin

Allowing its impact to overwhelm me

because it cannot any longer consume me

because I am no longer alone

because the God of the man on the cross is with me

My new, eternal parent, who can stand to

Know all the darkness in me

And breathe love into the unknown rooms behind my dark doors.

I will stay here and hear the wordless voice of my darkness

And one by one allow all the doors of my soul

To come

Wide open.