Out of Control
Hear an audio track as you read (set your audio player to loop / continuous play)
I have made mistakes in my thinking.
I have thought that God should be allowed control of the World
Starting with control of my life.
I have even prayed it several times,
Offered it to God…
But now I think it's a prayer that God can't answer.
I have begun to see it differently -
What was there along…
That God revels in letting go
In not controlling
But in being in love
Because somehow the desire to control is the opposite of being love.
Love is letting go then joining in
Out of desire for the other
And making something new from the consequence
Controlling has no part in love
Even if the controller knows best
There is no love to be gained by controlling.
But here I am in the hi-
Where all I see is somehow controllable or controlled…
My lights, my heating, my music, my food, my diary…
And sometimes I recognise my fear of the things I can't control:
My feelings, my sexuality, the forces of society,
and I try to separate from them and regain control,
and to separate from others who arouse these things…
But really I'm just acting out my fear of losing control.
I want to be a bigger person and not live in fear.
I need a bigger world.
I know that in an imperfect world
the cost of freedom is vigilance,
but I want to be free to join with those I love
And against whom I need no vigilance
Like my truest lover
My eternal God
Who gave up all vigilance on the cross
And showed that out of control
Brings on forever love.
The God who lives in the perpetual 'now' of time
And waits to meet all those who are ready for Love.
So I will bring my self into God's 'now' presence
And invite God to unite with me
And in perfect love, lose all fear.
(can go into silence here or very slowly)
So for now
I'm a creature in a stream
Going where the current leads
Watching as the river widens
Unafraid of deeper seas
I'm a jar that's full of water
Floating in the widest ocean
The sea around me is my maker
Waiting 'til the vessel's broken
I'm a lover strong with passion
Seeking out my lover God
Open to the satisfaction
When I know my soul is loved
I'm the lightest thing in nature
A feather on the breath of God
Floating where his love is breathing
Never landing 'til I'm home
I'm a tree that grows and branches
God above and God below
Joined in the eternal cycle
Bringing life into my soul
I'm a baby in a mother
Cradled in another life
Conscious of my independence
Joined to her by deeper ties
I'm the wanderer returning
Open to the signs of Life
Held in the eternal yearning
Of the Maker and the Christ