Sometimes I imagine I meet God for the first time after death.
God welcomes me but I am annoyed
“What the hell was all that about?” I ask
God looks surprised. God asks what I’m talking about?
I thought you knew everything? I reply. That life I just had. What the hell was that about?
Yes there were moments of beauty, moments of sunshine and radiance, excitement and optimism. But then all that trauma? All that madness Where life just kept going off the rails. Then the planning and the recovery. Then more mess. Then the enmeshed relationships. The expectations and the annoyance. The walking out. The stops and starts. All those judgements, all those daily weekly monthly annually judgements.
And all that religion. All those people who knew best including me! All those reasons to look across and down and up to others.
And the broken hearts. The endless broken hearts. The illusions the delusions the conclusions the occlusions. The dreaming, the search for meaning, the demeaning, the calling, the falling, the galling, the stalling and finally the greying of the light without any conclusion. Black.
What the hell was that about? Cause it certainly didn’t feel like Heaven. What was I supposed to be learning? What exactly was the point?? And where were you???
Good questions, God says.
Why did you choose to be involved in all that? billions of others didn’t. But you landed in that time in that place and you just assumed you had to do it.
I tried to wake you up. I tried to give you new eyes, but you chose to see the world through the eyes of those around you. you chose to join in that game. You were invested and you had too much to lose. I gave you freedom but you chose bondage. The bondage of the ego, the bondage to success, the bondage to delusion. Yes it tore you apart. It tore you apart.
And you did well for the things of that world. You climbed the ladder that was right in front of you. From one enticing rung to another, it intoxicated you.
And with every new rung you saw the next. It was within your grasp.
Your hell was a tower of Babel. you wanted to see life from the top of the tower. You wanted to be part of the top culture. The majority language. The exclusive peak of civilisation.
You could have lightened your load. But still you kept going.
What the hell was that about?
What the heaven is this about?
All the beauty that you missed, the joy in the music,the laughter in the love, the openhearted play, the safety of trust. All the warmth in the eyes, the dancing at the feast, the wonder at the mystery, the security in simplicity. All the hope in the waiting, all the peace in desire, all the goodness in the mating, all the warmth in the fire. Every nuance in the longing, the running and holding still, that’s where I was waiting because black and white has no thrill.
You can’t believe that you missed me? Or that I missed you too? But now we’ve all the time in the world. If only you knew.
So, “what the hell” will melt away when you find out. But this is going to hurt a for a while. because ‘what the heaven’ was there all along. But you couldn’t let go of your pile.
But now you’ve nothing to carry. You left the world just as you came in. Empty handed, but open to wonder.
It’s just a shame you didn’t start living it sooner.
